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I do intend to make a happy post soon (about My First Holiday omg omg), but for now, some Thoughts I Thought.
Here's part of a conversation I'm having with
puzzled_anwen:
me: I did washing up this morning. I did ten minutes of washing up and in that time I developed a lot of pain in my mid-back, my shoulders hated me, I felt sick, my womb began to cramp and I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach repeatedly
all those pains gradually went away when I sat down
soooooooooo
after about twelve years, I finally started to believe - really believe - that I am not lazy, I could not do more around the house "if I just wanted to do it enough", I genuinely do have something wrong with me
I am not faking just in order to get out of doing housework.
anwen: arr, I know what you mean
it'd be nice if you were *sigh*
me: I can't believe it's taken me this long to believe it and I am sure I will be doubting myself again soon
anwen: yup
I do all the time
anwen: esp when I was mostly quite well last year I was all 'oh god, maybe I wasn't really that bad' even though, you know, I WAS BEING POISONED BY MY TABLETS
Having fibro/other invisible or otherwise unverifiable illnesses (including mental illness, with which I also have daily fun in several forms) means, for many of us, daily self-doubt and guilt on top of the judging and unhelpful assumptions made about us by other people - friends, family, doctors, random strangers. (We won't even get into the frustration and depression which come from being unable to have normal bloody lives with jobs and socialising and hobbies). Our brains, like so many clueless people, tell us we're not really that ill. We're faking to get attention/avoid having to do any work. We've "embraced the sick role", whatever the shit that means. We hear it so much from others that we believe it ourselves, and we hurt ourselves, we make ourselves more ill, trying to behave as if all that were true, as if our illnesses were the convenient fictions that so many people seem to think they are, and as if we could just choose to behave like healthy, able-bodied people and we'd magically be better. Unfortunately it does not work. No amount of wanting it to be that way will make it that way, and I did not - we did not - choose to have our bodies fail in this way.
If you're one of the people who didn't need to be told this - thank you for not making our lives harder and more painful. Thank you for believing us, because it's fucking rare when anyone does.
Here's part of a conversation I'm having with
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
me: I did washing up this morning. I did ten minutes of washing up and in that time I developed a lot of pain in my mid-back, my shoulders hated me, I felt sick, my womb began to cramp and I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach repeatedly
all those pains gradually went away when I sat down
soooooooooo
after about twelve years, I finally started to believe - really believe - that I am not lazy, I could not do more around the house "if I just wanted to do it enough", I genuinely do have something wrong with me
I am not faking just in order to get out of doing housework.
anwen: arr, I know what you mean
it'd be nice if you were *sigh*
me: I can't believe it's taken me this long to believe it and I am sure I will be doubting myself again soon
anwen: yup
I do all the time
anwen: esp when I was mostly quite well last year I was all 'oh god, maybe I wasn't really that bad' even though, you know, I WAS BEING POISONED BY MY TABLETS
Having fibro/other invisible or otherwise unverifiable illnesses (including mental illness, with which I also have daily fun in several forms) means, for many of us, daily self-doubt and guilt on top of the judging and unhelpful assumptions made about us by other people - friends, family, doctors, random strangers. (We won't even get into the frustration and depression which come from being unable to have normal bloody lives with jobs and socialising and hobbies). Our brains, like so many clueless people, tell us we're not really that ill. We're faking to get attention/avoid having to do any work. We've "embraced the sick role", whatever the shit that means. We hear it so much from others that we believe it ourselves, and we hurt ourselves, we make ourselves more ill, trying to behave as if all that were true, as if our illnesses were the convenient fictions that so many people seem to think they are, and as if we could just choose to behave like healthy, able-bodied people and we'd magically be better. Unfortunately it does not work. No amount of wanting it to be that way will make it that way, and I did not - we did not - choose to have our bodies fail in this way.
If you're one of the people who didn't need to be told this - thank you for not making our lives harder and more painful. Thank you for believing us, because it's fucking rare when anyone does.
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Date: 2010-03-02 09:52 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-03-02 10:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-02 10:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-02 10:15 pm (UTC)Or something.
The point is, I love yer face.
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Date: 2010-03-02 10:15 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2010-03-02 10:28 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-02 10:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-02 10:42 pm (UTC)Anyway, I'm glad you sat down. You don't need to keep pushing yourself into additional agony in order to adhere to impossible standards set by people who aren't there. Rest when you're tired.
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Date: 2010-03-02 10:45 pm (UTC)I sat down because I couldn't tell if I wanted to throw up or pass out and even I will concede that if washing up makes me feel like that then I should probably sit the fuck down.
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Date: 2010-03-02 10:51 pm (UTC)I think someone should cross-stitch this for you to hang over the sink.
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Date: 2010-03-02 10:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-02 11:01 pm (UTC)um. thank you. *waves hand* it's a good post.
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Date: 2010-03-02 11:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-02 11:32 pm (UTC)My GP is currently in a state of not-believing-there's-something-wrong with me, and claims I'm just depressed. I know that I'm not depressed; fortunately, I've managed to bypass the GP and get a hospital appointment tomorrow with someone that will actually take me seriously (and can do something about it!)
We'll gloss over the whole hospital-booking-appointment-for-the-wrong-year part, I think, since I'm feeling charitable...
no subject
Date: 2010-03-03 12:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-03 12:20 am (UTC)I'm a) sorry that your GP is rubbish b) very, very glad you got yourself a proper appointment and hope that you can get real help.
...for the wrong year? *boggles*
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Date: 2010-03-03 12:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-03 02:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-03 07:45 am (UTC)I know I've had depression for years and it makes me tired, but before the CFS started, I was working full-time and going clubbing and stuff. I can't do that now. It's pretty fucking obvious there is SOMETHING WRONG.
I've never believed people with 'invisible illnesses' are faking it as one of my best friends has ME and I remember just how ill she was and all the shit she had to go through, but having CFS myself has really brought it home to me.
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Date: 2010-03-03 02:34 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-03 09:17 pm (UTC)Mum is being a bit more OK now but I'm still cautious talking about it with her. I admit I'm absolutely fucking dreading the week my co-worker is off, because I have to cover for her, but if I'm lucky I might get to leave early. There are only so many hours I can do before my body gives up on me.
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Date: 2010-03-03 10:13 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-04 06:46 pm (UTC)I am by nature very houseproud but yes, I've had to learn to have a very relaxed attitude towards housework and the way my house looks.
Singing! I do that quite a bit when nobody else is around. I used to perform occasionally Back In The Day so I'm not abysmal but I'm still too shy to sing in front of James. I make up silly little songs for the cats all the time, though. :)
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Date: 2010-03-06 12:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-03-06 03:49 pm (UTC)yes Shira... you are ill not fat & lazy
Date: 2010-03-15 03:36 am (UTC)This weekend, what was the sniffles - has turned into a full blown ear infection complete with FLARE. I have a fibro/CMP knot in the direct MIDDLE of my right thigh now too. I can barely walk and all I want to do is sleep.
If I take any more Keflex I will be sick...
People don't want to believe it - it's toooooo scary not be to able to blame victims for them.
Petition to make NHS stop marginalizing FM patients
Date: 2010-05-02 04:53 am (UTC)http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/meinvestigation/